Adoption Expert Carrie A. Kitze Offers Advice on Transracial Adoptions
Carrie A. Kitze, adoption advocate and author of the children's book, I Don't Have Your Eyes, explains how intimate family bonds can transcend all physical differences between adoptive parents and their children.
Commitment: I Don't Have Your Eyes is a simple and beautiful children's book about adoption. It shows how easily children and adults can connect on the inside when their outside appearances are different. What inspired you to write this book?
Carrie A. Kitze: One of my daughters was the inspiration for this book. She was about 18 months old and she was comparing our faces in a huge mirror. She touched my hair and said “brown” and touched her hair and said “brown” and then touched next to my eye and said “blue” and touched next to her eye and said “blue”. The reality is that her hair is darker and her eyes are brown to my blue. When I gently corrected her about her eye color, she insisted that her eyes were blue. I was surprised that someone so little would notice the differences and would be so interested in sameness. What I discovered is that children want to be just the same as their parents. But what if you can’t be? That’s when I started to write this book.
Commitment: You are an adoptive mother of two children from China. Do you think transracial adoptions present issues that other adoptions don't?
Carrie: I do. When we present as a family, the story of how we came to be is written all over our faces. My children don’t have the choice to share or not share information that is personal to them. Learning where they fit, especially because they look different, can be a lifetime challenge. As adults, straddling two different worlds can be a challenge. The community of their ethnic origin may prove difficult to navigate and the community they were brought up in they may not feel they have full membership as well. The adoptees who successfully navigates these communities often talk about having a foot on each side.
Commitment: In addition to parenting your two children, you have spoken worldwide on topics related to adoption such as ceremonies and rituals for adoptive families, and are a regional coordinator for Families with Children From China. Have you seen an increase in the number of parents adopting children from different racial or ethnic groups?
Carrie: I do think that adopting across racial lines is becoming more commonplace and acceptable. The other thing is that parents who do adopt across racial lines are starting to become more educated on things they can do to help mitigate the challenges a transracial/transcultural adoptee might experience.
Commitment: Perhaps its because a few Hollywood stars are building families through international adoption, or because President Barack Obama is part of a multiracial family, but it seems that multiracial families are everywhere! Have you seen a trend toward greater acceptance of these families?
Carrie: I think it still depends on where in the country you live. Some areas are more tolerant to differences in family structure. I certainly know more families who are blended, biracial, adoptive, single parent since we have become an adoptive family. When we travel, there are certain areas where we get more “looks”.
Commitment: How important is it to acknowledge the physical differences between an adoptive child and her parent(s)?
Carrie: Critical. The most important thing we can do for our children, regardless of how they enter our families, is to offer open, truthful dialog. This includes discussions about race, adoption, and other differences. We need to look at where we sit and what our beliefs are regarding race, who our friendship circle includes and whether or not we can go out of our comfort zones. And our children need the opportunity to see us navigate these things to help them on one level to navigate for themselves.
Commitment: Should adoptive parents make an effort to learn about and celebrate their children's original heritage? For example, should an adoptive mom and her daughter from China celebrate Chinese New Year together?
Carrie: Absolutely! Your child had no choice in which family they were placed and each adoptive parent was the one choosing to expand their families through adoption. For my children, both from China, we celebrate many holidays. Together we have learned the rituals and dogma of the holidays and we have integrated the pieces into our lives that fit with our family. We have learned to cook authentic dishes with the help of Chinese friends and have learned some language, calligraphy and brush painting. Each family will be different in how they integrate the culture of their children into their own. But for the child, what better way to acknowledge that individual and the worth they have than by celebrating their particular heritage.
Commitment: How important is it for an adopted child to have a community with other children who look like him?
Carrie: For my children, it has been important to not be an “only”. For adult adoptees, they have talked about the loneliness of being an “only” and how it took them until college to find others who looked like them. It’s a huge burden to be the poster child for adoption and race because you are the only one in your class or in your neighborhood. Having others a part of your lives who have similar stories (other adoptees) and also are from a similar race or ethnicity is empowering and essential to emotional wellbeing and identity formation.
Commitment: Although a child may not feel different from her adoptive parents or siblings, how likely is she to notice that other people do see a difference? How can parents help their child handle this situation?
Carrie: Children are amazing in what they observe. While generally toddlers are more oblivious to difference, as children hit early schooling, they start to see differences and talk about them. Gender, hair color, skin color all start to be noticed as children compare what they have with what others have. As differences become apparent, some differences are seen to be good and others are seen to be not as good. Reading books like “The Skin I’m In” and “I Don’t Have Your Eyes” can help to open the dialog on difference. There is a great multicultural activity called Outside Difference, Inside Sameness for children (preK to 2nd) that pairs with ‘I Don’t Have Your Eyes” that can be found here www.emkpress.com/eyes.html
The most important thing parents can do is to acknowledge the difference and talk about it.
Commitment: Where can adoptive parents turn for support?
Carrie: EMK Press has a number of resources for adoptive parents and adoptees that can be found on our website, www.emkpress.com. There is also a yahoo group, run by one of our senior editors called adoptionparenting. You can find it here: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/adoptionparenting/
Commitment: What should parents know before they adopt a child from a different racial or ethnic group?
Carrie: A great resource is Adoption Learning Partner’s online class on Conspicuous Families
www.adoptionlearningpartners.org/courses/conspicuous.cfm. Another wonderful resource is the book Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections.
Commitment: How can parents learn more about adoption?
Carrie: Prospective adoptive families can start their research on the internet. There are a number of ways to add to your family through adoption including domestic, foster to adopt, or international. There are several publications about adoption, including the online Rainbow Kids, Adoption Today, and Adoptive Families magazines. The website www.adoption.com has a number of resources and blogs on a variety of adoptive families and the internet bookstore, Tapestry Books offers a wide variety of resources as well. Find out if adoption is right for your family and then, open your heart with your eyes wide open.
Carrie A. Kitze is an adoptive mom, writer, marketing consultant, and speaker at adoption conferences and events. She is also the author of We See the Moon, a gentle book to help children emotionally connect to their birth parents. An advocate for adoptive parents and children as well as a fundraiser to help children worldwide, she believes that each child deserves his or her own special place to belong. She lives in New Jersey with her husband, Rob, and their two daughters.
To purchase I Don't Have Your Eyes, click here.
