Question: First off, let me say I loved reading this book. It was funny, thoughtful, heart breaking at times. You did a wonderful job of sharing your most intimate losses and also triumphs with the reader.

My first question is, how were you able to endure so many difficult break-ups along with the loss of your mother? Your book is not a story of a victim, but the story of a woman who somehow finds herself and triumphs despite many disappointing romantic relationships and the early death of her beloved mother to cancer.

What enabled you not to be a victim and to somehow build an interesting, fulfilling life despite these hurts?

 

Answer: Well, first off, let me say thank you so much. I’m so thrilled you liked the book. I love hearing that!  As for not being a victim, I love hearing that too.  I always remind myself, “you can mourn the life you wanted or live the life you have.”  And that’s exactly what I try to do everyday. 

 

Commitment Question: Your book does not end with you finding Mr. Right and going off into the sunset of your honeymoon. Instead, it ends with you at 40 years old coping successfully with the end of an engagement, and yet obviously feeling strong and achieving your goals. How were you able to get to this point where although a lifelong goal of getting married and having children has not yet been met, you still remain optimistic and strong? Many of us, when we don't achieve a goal we have, tend to get angry and the disappointment can throw us into depression where we become stagnant. Instead, you wrote a best-selling book about your experiences. How did you somehow escape falling permanently into the pit of inaction and stagnation, although very hurt and depressed at times?

 

Answer:  I think the key word here is “permanent.” Sometimes you just can’t help falling into the pit of inaction, stagnation, depression and hurt, especially those days when it all feels like just way too much.  I have been a sloppy mess more times that I can tell you -- moping around in my pajamas all afternoon, my hair looking suspiciously like I’d washed it with lentil soup.  

I think, though, the more times that you endure hard things the better you get at handling them.   That’s certainly been my experience.  I’m a big goal setter and one very consistent goal is to always try to handle things better. It’s taken me years, but I finally feel as if I’m getting good at it.

 

 

Commitment: What advice do you have for women out there who are intelligent, kind, loving and very much want to be married and have children, but are having a hard time finding that forever guy? How does a woman cope with the disappointment that comes from not having this dream come true and being surrounded by women who have what they want most?

 

Answer:  First, of all, I’d tell those women: “You sound great.   I’d date you!”   But, trust me, I know what it’s like.  Try to keep reminding yourself (as I do) that you may ultimately get everything you wanted (or thought you wanted), just not according to the timeline you’d imagined.  The good news is you might skip that first divorce and all the drama and baggage that goes with it.

 

Commitment Question: Why do you think so many women are having a hard time finding that right guy? Is it our culture? A generational problem?

 

Answer:  I think there are a lot of women (like me), who would prefer being alone to being with the wrong guy, who feel so much lonelier with the wrong person than they ever do alone (that is definitely the case with me).  I have a lot of friends who aren’t like that.  And that’s fine.  They’d much rather be with someone – anyone – than alone.  

I have a dear friend who I just adore, who’s married, who blurted out one night at dinner, ‘everyone wants to know why you won’t make the same compromises we’ve made!” I explained I’ve made different compromises, which I think is sometimes tricky for people to hear. 

 

Staying single can mean a lot of explaining, as people ask, “Maybe you’re too picky!” and “come on, tell me. What’s wrong with you?” They feel really comfortable asking these things, but you could never say (or at least I wouldn’t), “hey, how about the marriage you always complain about?”  This is something I thought a lot about as I was writing the chapter, “Queen of the Court,” about the many misunderstandings single and married women have about each other, how they tend to idealize each other’s lives.

I think the difference with this generation is women saying, “I want a relationship, but not at any price. And that’s OKAY.”

 

 Commitment Question: You start your book with a quote from writer George Eliot, "It's never too late to be what you might have been." What does that quote mean to you?

 

Answer:  It has different meanings as I move forward, depending on what thing I want to tackle.   Last summer it was, “never too late to be a horse back rider” (I learned in the Grand Tetons.)  This year, I’m hoping “it’s never too late to be not afraid of heights (or less afraid.)”  

And I’m always hoping, “it’s never too late to get rid of the jingle, jangle on the backs of my thighs.”  And there’s always, “it’s never too late to be more confident than you ever thought possible (how nice would that be?)”  Or even, “it’s never too late to believe anything is possible for yourself.” I like that one especially.

 

 Commitment Question: You titled your book, "The Late Bloomer's Revolution" what does this title mean and what challenges do you think late bloomer's face? At the same time, what unexpected thrills can a late bloomer expect?

 

Answer:  I heard a brain surgeon talking about how the adult mind is just as able to learn new things as a small child, adults just have so many more hang-ups and fears.  So I think part of the challenge is working through those things.  You don’t hear a lot of three years olds saying, “I can’t learn French! I’m too old.”  As I said, last summer I learned how to horseback ride, but there’s a good story behind it.  I had been seeing this guy who I really liked, who all of a sudden did that emotional blackout thing, where suddenly, like on Project Runway, one day you’re in, the next day you’re out.  

Something just snapped in him and I was out.  Now, a few years ago, I would have cried, I would have agonized about what happened, wondered what I’d done wrong, but as a Late Bloomer, who finally learned that I am worth so much more than that, I said, “screw this guy,” and on three days notice, booked a trip all by myself to Wyoming and the Grand Tetons.  It was one of the best trips of my life.

I’d tried to horseback ride as a kid, but since I was afraid of everything growing up, it wasn’t a huge success. But now, at forty-one, I couldn’t get enough. I’d ride everyday for five hours.  I never would have experienced the same sense of elation or satisfaction if I’d learned as a child.  Or if I hadn’t needed something so soul affirming after that idiot guy.  So the satisfaction and joy I felt on that trip was off the charts.  That’s what Late Bloomers have to look forward to. Lucky us!

 

Commitment Question: Your mother sounded like a truly loving, brilliant woman. How did the death of your mother impact you? What words of comfort and advice do you have for others out there who may have also recently lost their mother? What got you through this?

 

Answer :  Thank you so much for the lovely words about my mother. I can’t even begin to tell you how much they mean to me.   It’s been so gratifying to introduce her to the world and have people say how much they adore her, because when you lose someone you love, the scariest feeling is that they’ll be forgotten. So again, thank you.  

First, I would tell people who’ve lost their mothers how sorry I am.  At times, the pain can be excruciating and unrelenting and it’s so easy to feel utterly and completely alone.  So here’s my advice – from someone, who, by the way, fell apart, acted out, couldn’t stop crying once in a crowded bar, ended up getting an eight month facial rash from all the pent-up grief. Trust me, I went through it all.

 

1. Be nicer and more generous to yourself than you ever thought possible.  Whatever makes you feel better – massages, exercising, pizza, that fabulous sweater, a facial -- do it. Also, you might need to figure out what makes you feel better and that’s okay too. Give yourself time.  Every year on the anniversary of my Mom’s death, I get myself a little something nice.

 

2. Let everything and I mean, EVERYTHING, out.  Anger, tears, happy memories, express it, because if you don’t, it’s just going to accumulate until you explode (as I did in heaping sobs – on a date– in the crowded bar.) If you’re a crier – cry.  It’s so easy to think you shouldn’t cry all the time, but I think of crying as emotionally sweating, a healthy way to release emotional toxins.

 

3. All grief is different. For some people, grief begins when you lose the person you used to know. For me, as my Mom stopped recognizing who I was, six months before she died, that’s when the real grieving began.

 

4. Remember that the amount of time you grieve doesn’t equal how much you loved the person.  It can be so hard to start living and enjoying again, but joy can be just as much of a tribute to the person you love.

 

Commitment Question: It was interesting to read about the trips around the world that you and your Mom took. She was obviously a very supportive, fun-loving mother. For mothers out there who are reading this interview, what lessons could they learn from your mother about raising children?

What did you learn from your mother about life and relationships that you carry with you each day?

 

Answer:   Oh, my gosh, my poor mother.   She was very good at believing, no matter how many times I shaved half my head or wore a large African headdress to go clubbing, that I would eventually find myself.  She was also very good at celebrating what no one else did  -- for example, when no one picked me in gym class for dodge ball, she’d say, “but you’re an artist!” And when my art teacher didn’t think I was very good, she’d say, “what does she know?”  

Now I’ve become such a big cheerleader – for my friends, for the hundreds of people who’ve written me letters telling me their stories – it is one of my favorite roles in life. I just adore it.

 

Commitment Question: When your mother was dying from an inoperable brain tumor, she advised you to welcome whomever your father became involved with. This was extremely kind and brave of her. How did her request impact you?

 

Answer: Again, how lucky am I to have had a mother like that?  It freed me from feeling like I had to choose between my loyalty to my mother and some new woman.  My whole family adores my Dad’s girlfriend, Beverly (Beatrice in the book), but it helped so much that I felt as if by embracing her immediately and making her feel truly welcome, I was doing exactly as my mother wished.

 

Commitment Question: Your relationship with your Dad was very interesting, and ultimately very beautiful. You wrote, "It wasn't that I didn't like my father; it was more that he was a stranger to me" and "My whole life I craved my father's attention."  I think many women feel alienated from their fathers during childhood due to busy work schedules and misunderstandings.

How do you think your relationship with your father impacted your life and your relationships with men? How did it change from a turbulent relationship during your youth to one so close and loving?

What have you learned from your relationship with your father that other women who also struggle with knowing their fathers can learn from? Is there something about your father you wish your teenage self understood?

 

Answer:  I think my Dad’s Late Bloomer’s Revolution was learning how to become a better parent at age 70. And he did that with flying colors.

Again, I think lots of people assume that if they’re not close to their parents by age thirty it’s not going to happen, and I’m living proof that’s not necessarily the case.

As for my relationships with men, I think absolutely one’s relationship with both parents shapes your romantic relationships. My Dad is this very unique mixture of gruff and humor, but with such a wonderful, extraordinary heart.  So lots of times I would find the gruff, funny guys but I would find out later – sometimes way too late -- the heart wasn’t there.

 

 I’d tried to horseback ride as a kid, but since I was afraid of everything growing up, it wasn’t a huge success. But now, at forty-one, I couldn’t get enough. I’d ride everyday for five hours.  I never would have experienced the same sense of elation or satisfaction if I’d learned as a child.  Or if I hadn’t needed something so soul affirming after that idiot guy.  So the satisfaction and joy I felt on that trip was off the charts.  That’s what Late Bloomers have to look forward to. Lucky us!

 

 Commitment Question: I loved the premise of the screenplay you wrote, "Pleased to Meet Me" about a thirty-year-old single woman who hates her life and goes back in time to prevent her teenage self from growing up to be a thirty-year-old single woman who hates her life. I think many of us would love to go back in time and change the course of our lives.

Right now, if you could travel back in time, what advice would you give your teenage self? How can a woman deal with the feeling that perhaps she is on the wrong track and isn't happy where life has taken her?

 

Answer: Honestly, as a teenager I was less of the Amy Cohen I am now and more of an Amy Winehouse. I was such an emotional wreck all the time (and my skin was really bad. I was such a walking Proactiv commercial.)  I think what really, really good mothers do (and I count myself as so fortunate to have had a really, really good mother) is teach you how to mother yourself when they’re gone.  

So I would tell myself, as my mother did, “you’re going to make it!” Again, it may not be in the time you hoped, but you’ll do it.  I was so convinced when I graduated college and all my talented, focused friends knew exactly what they wanted to do, that I was doomed to failure, simply because I had no idea what I wanted. I had no confidence.  

Any confidence I have, came in my thirties. I taught myself – late – how to become a more confident person. I think my independence helped a lot with that too. So I guess I would tell myself to hold on and always believe you’ll succeed, even when it feels impossible. 

 

Commitment Question: There is a conversation in the book where you tell your mother that you feel men don't like you. Do you think a lot of women feel this way, and if so, how does this happen?

 

Answer: When you get rejected enough, it’s bound to take it’s toll. But I have to tell you, if you want to speak to every man you’ve ever dated, write a book. They all come out of the woodwork.  It’s so nice, I’m friends with “Josh” now. I’ve always spoken to “George, the rock guitarist” and I had dinner with the “Dog Bone” boyfriend.   At the time, I felt so rejected by all of them, but now, I realize, phew. They were so wrong for me.  

I actually think we rejected each other.  I never fought to stay with any of them because I think on some level I knew it wasn’t right, that I needed someone warmer and more emotionally available (again, being the Late Bloomer that I am, I only figured that out recently).

 

Commitment Question: The break-up of your boyfriend Josh after your mother's death was naturally very painful. I could almost feel your pain when you wrote about running into him at a restaurant with his new wife just a week after he was married.

How did you have the guts to go downstairs and congratulate your mutual friend on his engagement, when you knew that would involve seeing Josh at this engagement party with his new bride?

Any advice for women out there who may face running into that dreaded ex-boyfriend at some point?

 

Answer: You’re so sweet to call it “guts.” I think it was “nuts.”  I know I’ve felt like I should be dressed by Rachel Zoe and have my hair and make-up done by Sarah Jessica Parker’s team, just in case I run into any exes.

But I’ve run into lots of them and been fine because the truth is, if you really believe you’re better off without them (as my mother indoctrinated me), then no matter how you look, you’ll feel victorious.

 

Commitment Question: You were a writer/producer on "Caroline in the City" and "Spin City" two great shows. Did you enjoy this work? Can you tell us about some of your experiences working on these shows.

 

Answer: I did. It was hard because on Spin City, my Mom got sick six weeks after I started working on the show, so I was a basket case almost from day one. But I feel really lucky to have worked there, because I was forced to come in every day and remember what was funny about the world.

 

Commitment Question: You write a lot in this book about identity--wanting to feel you are worth something and looking for validation. Why do you think so many of us women end up unsure as to who we are and what we are worth, and tend to think we are only worth something when we have a boyfriend/husband/important job, etc.?

After your break-up with Josh and a job loss, you wrote that you told your sister you had no concrete way of describing yourself. You wrote, "Now I'd lost everything that I thought made me who I was, and what was I left with? I had no idea." How have you come to terms with your identity? How would you describe yourself now? And what advice do you have for women who also feel they have no concrete way of explaining who they are because they may not have a role that says to the world in a traditional sense, 'this is who I am"?

 

A: Identity is such a tricky issue, because I think many of us don’t really understand what that means. I’d always identified myself according to outside things – I was Josh’s girlfriend; a TV writer; my mom’s daughter – and when I lost all those things within one year, I felt like nothing.  Bagel. A zero.  It was so much easier to define myself by outside things than look at the real issue, which was, I had so little confidence in myself and truthfully, had no real idea who I was or even who I wanted to be.

So, again, Late Bloomer that I am, I started figuring that out.

I was in therapy at the time and I’d figure out three things at a time I wanted to work on.  It seemed more manageable to figure out three at a time. For example, “this year I want to get better at telling people what I really think” or “this year I want to try not to be so critical of myself about work (I’m a ruthless re-writer and reviser).”

I came into my own much later than I would have liked, but I feel so lucky to have figured it out at all, because I know so many women – who go through divorce, whose kids go to college, who lose jobs – go through the same thing.  That whole process of wondering, “Who am I? Really?”  But I’m living proof it’s never too late to find out.

 

Commitment Question: Loneliness. Many of us have experienced deep loneliness after the end of a romantic relationship. What did those bouts of loneliness teach you? What advice do you have for anyone reading this interview who may be trying to cope with the loneliness they feel right now?

 

Answer:  Again, I’m someone who feels so much lonelier with the wrong person.   It’s so funny, I was at a writer’s conference with other memoirists – people who had written about being bipolar, being sex addicts, drug addicts who stole, but so many people asked how I could be so open about feeling lonely sometimes, as if there were no more intimate detail a person could share. 

 

 There is nothing shameful about feeling lonely – either alone or with other people.  It is totally and completely normal.  I don’t talk about it much, but as I was finishing my book I had a very dear friend who killed herself.  A girl who was easily the most social and well loved of all my friends.  She left a note in which she talked about feeling lonely and I thought, “why didn’t she ever talk about it with me?” and then I realized it was because I’d felt lonely too, and never talked about it with her.

So I went back through my entire book and started being really, really honest about that part of my life.   So my advice would be to talk about it with someone you trust and to never, ever, ever feel ashamed. 

 

 Commitment Question: I love your stories about the problems you had bicycle riding as a child, and how at 35 years old, you bravely set out to relearn how to ride a bike and conquer your fears of riding, starting out on a ten mile ride on a busy road that first day you got back on a bike to ultimately even taking bicycle riding trips in Canada. You wrote about that first time back on a bike after many years, "And even as cars honked at me and I actually did have something to worry about- I told myself not to give into my fears and the voice that said, 'you're too chicken for this.'"

What motivated you to want to go back and learn how to ride a bike? How did that choice change you and how you saw your life? Did it open something up for you?

 

Answer:  I think riding a bike, more than any other event, set me on the course that would become my Late Blooming Revolution. 

My obsession with learning to ride a bike had gone on for years, but my boyfriend, Josh, always chiding me about it and saying, annoyed, “it would be fun to go bike riding, but yeah, I guess we can’t.” Didn’t help. I’d asked him to teach me, but he wasn’t too interested in that either. 

So learning to ride a bike became a way for me to say, “I’m not going to be defeated by any of this – by the break up, getting fired, losing my mother. I’m moving forward, however slowly.”
Again, the bicycle is such a great metaphor because you can’t look too far ahead or too far behind or you’ll crash.

There were so many valuable lessons in that experience that I take with me – that’s it’s okay to be a total spaz; that learning something new is worth every effort because the satisfaction is endless (I took bike trips to the Canadian Rockies and later for my 40th – Australia and New Zealand.)

I try never to listen to that voice anymore – the one that says I’m too chicken.

It’s Underestimated me too many times before.

 

Commitment Question:You write a lot about your dating experiences, such as one of your first dates where you wrote, "In the delicate world of first impressions, this wold not have been my choice. I like to save crazy for later." What has your years of dating taught you?  

What advice do you have for women who feel like they've had a lot of bad dates and they would love to start enjoying the dating process a bit more?

 

Answer:  Again, this is tricky.   I think quick is good, especially for first dates.  Make sure you have a time to leave (and yes,  lie if you have to.  I have so much trouble leaving dates, especially if I feel sorry for the guy, but then it just goes on and on and I wind up resenting the whole evening.)  

Another idea is to use dating to do things you want to do anyway – go to that photography exhibit; go to that artsy movie no one else wants to see; try that new wine bar.  Also, never be afraid to take a break.  Even for a few weeks.  

 

Commitment Question: As the book progresses, you start doing many new things, such as learning to cook, taking tennis lessons, writing about your dating experiences, doing a show on the single life for the cable TV show New York Central. How did you stop putting your life on holding waiting for Mr. Right? What advice do you have for women who seem unable to stop putting things on hold because they are waiting for a significant other?

 

Answer:  It’s so hard, because in addition to people saying “are you too picky?” they also say, “you need to make finding someone your full time job!” (I know, these people drive me nuts too.)  Again, I go back to “you can mourn the life you wanted or live the life you have.” 

 

Commitment Question: This paragraph in your book really struck me, "Can you explain the world to me? Because I don't understand it. How can you be in love one minute, thinking of all the places you'll take your big suitcase for the rest of your lives, and the next minute watch him marry someone else? I wanted an explanation."

I think many of us have been in relationships where the guy professes his undying love one moment, and is breaking up with us the next. How did you come to terms with this?

How can a woman stay hopeful and romantic when maybe this has happened to her one too many times?

 

Answer:  Staying positive and romantic is a choice and not always an easy one, I know. I think you need to say to yourself, “no matter what -- no matter how despondent or sad I get from time to time, no matter how wronged I feel and how unfair things seem sometimes, I am not going to allow myself to become bitter, because that would be the death of me.”

Now, that doesn’t mean that you can never spend a Saturday night throwing yourself a pity party. On the contrary, I think that’s what allows you not to become bitter because it gets all those feelings out.  You’ve paid attention to your less noble feelings, even given them a little party and now it’s time to move on.

 

Commitment Question: Your book ended with your fiance William returning to California, and you (bravo!) holding up strong after his departure even though you thought you would fall apart. How did you remain so strong? How did this confident Amy Cohen emerge at this time in your life?

 

Answer: The book originally ended with William and I together, still engaged.  I handed in that version six months before we broke up and early review copies were sent out. In fact, if you GOOGLE me, you can find a few reviews that say, “Cohen ended up happily engaged.”  Not! Two days after we broke up I was having dinner with my editor and I told her we'd split up, and she just said, "Oh, okay. Wow," and I thought: there goes my contract. A friend of mine (a novelist herself) even said, "With no happy ending now, they’re going to cancel your contract." So I was a mess.

Then, five days later (an eternity) my editor called me and said:

"I discussed your break up with the entire staff at Hyperion (my publisher)."

"You discussed my break up?" I said. "But my cousins don't even know yet. How many people were at the meeting?"

“About sixty,” she said. 

Then she said I had four weeks to rewrite the ending, and after considering a nervous breakdown, I just started writing about the fact that I hadn't fallen apart.

I had been engaged and now it was over and I was not only fine, I was elated.

Which was a miracle above all to me. So it means even more to me that you loved the ending because for a few weeks there, I wasn't sure.  The confidence came from knowing absolutely and without hesitation that I’d made the right decision.

 

Commitment Question: What goals to you have for the next few years, and what hopes do you have for the future?

 

Answer: I know I might sound like some crunchy girl selling wheat free, dairy free muffins in hemp tote bags, but my biggest goal is to always stay open to the world so that I allow lots of wonderful surprises to come my way.  That is truly the basis of every Late Bloomer’s Revolution.

 

Commitment Question: Right now, a lot of women out there are hurting over a lost relationship or looking for a forever love. What has your dating experiences taught you, and what advice do you have for those still hurting and still looking?

 

Answer:  We all need to keep going and get better and better.  I mean, honestly, as someone who still wants and dreams of meeting the right person, what other choice do we have?

 

 

 

About Amy Cohen: Amy Cohen was a writer/producer on the sitcoms Caroline in the City and Spin City, a dating columnist for the New York Observer, and the dating correspondent for cable TV's New York Central. She is the author of THE LATE BLOOMER’S REVOLUTION, published in July 2007 by Hyperion Books.  The book was on the New York Times Bestseller list and the movie rights have been sold to Sarah Jessica Parker (It’s so exciting, she can’t believe it either).  She has been published in VOGUE, The New York Times, Grazia (U.K.), German Cosmopolitan, and Fitness magazine.  She is also a contributor to the forthcoming anthology, The Secret Currency of Love.  She has appeared on The Today Show, The CBS morning show, and ABC news. She lives in New York City with her family, who still has a lot to say about everything. Visit her website at: Website: www.byamycohen.com or

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