What Would Happen If You Dated A Man Who Is Not Your Type? Author Andrea Syrtash Has Written A New Book On How To Break-Out Of Relationship Ruts and Find Love Where You Least Expect It
Andrea Syrtash, author of "He's Just Not Your Type" found true love (and her future husband) when she started dating a neighbor who was "not her type' or as polished as the guys she dated in the past. She says, "I really like who I am with him."
After years of dating the wrong men, Andrea Syrtash, author of "He's Just Not Your Type (and that's a good thing): How to Find Love Where You Least Expect It" decided to break her self-defeating dating patterns and instead started connecting to her true feelings and instincts. She said, "I decided to stop overthinking the dating process and to start feeling my way through relationships. I started to be present. I started to follow what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be with, instead of who I should be with." In this interview, she has advice for women who accidentally keep shutting the door on true love.
Commitmentnow.com: Why did you write this book?
Andrea Syrtash: I wanted to write a positive and empowering guide to finding love. I feel like too much of the dating advice industry is rooted in fear-based advice. My book isn't about changing yourself to meet a man - - it's about knowing yourself so you can meet the right partner. I'm really passionate about helping women live authentically - in life and in love.
Commitmentnow.com: Why do you think a lot of women get stuck in a rut of dating the same type of man over and over again--who turns out to be the wrong guy again and again? How can a woman break relationship patterns that always seem to end in heartbreak?
Andrea: Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results! It's normal for us to get caught up in patterns (many of us are creatures of habit and do what we know); but it's really important to become conscious of the self-defeating patterns we have in our dating lives and commit to breaking them!
I have a lot of exercises in the book that will help the reader home in on her own pattern with steps to change it.
Commitmentnow.com: Can you share with us your story of falling in love and marrying a man who was not technically 'your type'? How did you break out of your relationship pattern?
Andrea: My husband was a good friend in the neighborhood (boy next door story - very cliche!) but not my type. I thought he was fantastic...for someone else. I even tried to set him up with one of my good girlfriends.
You often hear that you find when you're not looking - but let's be honest, when you're single, you're often 'looking' on some level (even if it's not conscious!). I'd edit the expression to "You find *who you are not looking for" That's what happened to me and many of the women I interviewed in the book.
Michael is a teacher, an improv actor and a drummer. He leads with his heart. He's not as polished as the guys I had dated in the past, but at the end of the day, that didn't really matter. He's a great partner for me. With Michael I realized, "I really like being around this guy. I really like who I am with him"
In the past, I focused more on how guys looked on paper and less on how I felt with them. I decided to start focusing on my feelings, and this is when my dating pattern changed.
My husband is wonderful - hilarious, wise, deep, caring....but the reason I knew I wanted to be with him wasn't only because of who he was, it was because of who I was *with him. I felt like a really good and authentic version of myself.
Commitmentnow.com: You write, "I realized that my head dominated my heart and that I hadn't been giving enough attention to my feelings. I had spent time carefully analyzing the details of my relationships while completely ignoring my instincts." Why do you think a lot of women make the mistake of dating with their 'heads' instead of their 'hearts'? How can a woman tap back into her true feelings, if she's blocked her instinct for a long time? How did you finally connect to your true feelings?
Andrea: I always dated wonderful men who satisfied my checklist but I was constantly confused with a foot out the door. I just figured I was a 'commitment-phobe' and would never find clarity in a relationship. Some people would say, "You have a perfect man! What's your problem? You should marry him!" These people would agree that I had a problem.
When I decided to replace the word 'should' with the word 'want' and my life changed. I applied this approach not only to dating, but to almost everything!
When I started dating Michael, I had already made a commitment to break my self-defeating dating pattern (one in which I stayed longer than I should've and ignored my instincts).
I decided to stop overthinking the dating process and to start feeling my way through relationships. I started to be present. I started to follow what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be with, instead of who I should be with.
When you're with a good match, I believe it's a feeling - not a thought. If I enjoyed being with someone, I'd see him again. I was sick of analyzing my love life. It was actually a relief to connect to my true feelings and stop overthinking the process!
Commitmentnow.com: Why do you think a woman should consider dating her nontype--if maybe she always pictured herself with a dark-haired man, or a lawyer, or a man of certain ethnic background? Is going against a long-held mental picture of one's future mate going to cause trouble later on?
Andrea: It's okay to have an image of the kind of guy you think you want to be with. I want to make it very clear that my book isn't about throwing out standards of what you find attractive! The point is that it's important to know the difference between a PERSON and a PARTNER. Someone can have everything you want on paper (hair color, certain job etc) but if he's not a good partner for you and doesn't share your values, that's usually not a good receipe for a long-term relationship.
I still think that attraction is critical in a relationship, but it's possible to be very attracted to someone who isn't your usual type. It happens all the time.
None of the women in my book who married people who weren't their traditional 'type' felt like they settled. In fact, most of us with NTs (non types!) realize how the checklists we were previously using wasn't what was going to bring us happiness....
Commitmentnow.com: Why do we as women tend to have preconceived ideas about what our type is? Where do these ideas usually come from? Do you think having a type can shut the door on true love accidentally?
Andrea: Sometimes we think we have a type and realize later that the 'type' was the guy our mom or dad would want us to be with! It's really important to honor your family and community without taking on their values as your own.
I'm a big fan of getting super clear on your core values and living a life aligned with them (if not, you'll feel out of balance).
If you meet a guy who is exactly your type and who supports you, challenges you, excites you, inspires you and with whom you feel fully expressed - go for it! I'm not saying it can't happen, I'm just asking the reader to consider that sometimes a guys packaging (job, hair color, status etc) distracts us from her match.
I think it's important to have high standards and never settle when you settle down. I've come up with new checklists in the book that women can use to find true love that have little to do with superficial qualities a guy has on paper...
Commitmentnow.com: Instead of having a 'type' what is your best advice for single women looking for love?
Andrea: Litmus test: Am I good version of myself with this person?
There's a simple question I ask women when they are analyzing their relationships (and this is borrowed from Aristotle, Plato and the Kabbalah!): Are you at your highest potential with the person you are dating? Has this person seen the awesome sides of you that your family and good friends have experienced? Do you feel like your best self with the person you're with?
If you answer a resounding 'no' to these questions when you are dating someone, it's important to take a step back and evaluate why you are staying in the relationship.
Make a decision not to settle for less than feeling generally good and expressed with the person you plan to be in a relationship with for years....
Commitmentnow.com: What do you have to say to women out there who are simply tired of the dating scene and tired of having their heart broken?
Andrea: It's totally normal to feel frustrated, tired, rejected and sick of being single. That's to be expected after tons of lame dates and one reason I have added 'resilience' as one of my steps to dating success. I suggest taking a dating break every so often and putting the focus back on yourself. Indulge in your passions and re-connect with girlfriends. Sometimes you need to step out and re-charge before you can get back into the dating game.
There's nothing sexier than a woman who is enjoying her own life (outside of a relationship).... so the irony is, you'll probably start attracting more people any way! Take a hiatus if you're feeling down about dating so you can later re-approach it with enthusiasm and a positive perspective.
Commitmentnow.com: What should single women understand about putting the law of attraction to work if they feel ready to meet their future husband?
Andrea: Perspective is a really an essential part of success. If you think all men cheat and lie, I promise you will collect evidence and prove that to be true!
I do believe that you will attract what you put out. If you are approaching dating with a positive perspective and are open, people will respond better. After all, who would you approach in the room? Someone who is radiating a natural confidence and seems open or someone who seems discouraged and bitter?!
Commitmentnow.com: What should a women's checklist for her ideal guy be? Can you share with us your new checklists for love?
Andrea: I came up with a few new checklists women can use to find love. One of the checklists is The Four Essential Ingredients: The guy must be a good Lover, Companion, Partner and Friend.
I've known women who are tempted to be with someone because she can check off 'lover' but not 'partner' or she thinks she should be with a guy because she can check off 'best friend' even if she can't check off 'lover'.
I think if you can check off *all of those (4) boxes, you're on the way to a great relationship.
Commitmentnow.com: In your opinion, what is a soul mate? How do we know when we've truly found a soul mate?
Andrea: "Soul Mate" means different things to different people and it's a very personal and spiritual idea; but my favorite way to think about a soul mate is someone who brings you to your highest potential. A guy can have everything you think you want but if you're not a good version of yourself with him, I don't think he's a soul mate!
To purchase "He's Just Not Your Type (and that's a good thing): How to Find Love Where You Least Expect It" click here.
About the Author: Andrea Syrtash is a dating and relationship expert, life coach and author. She has contributed to over a dozen relationship-advice books and is the editor of How to Survive the Real World and How to Survive Your In-Laws. She is a regular advice columnist and contributor to numerous popular sites including Yahoo!, The Huffington Post and Oprah.com, and she is the on-air host of On Dating, produced by NBC Digital Studios. Andrea has shared advice in various media outlets across the country including on The Today Show, VH1, USA Today and NPR, among others. She was recently the subject of an NHK Japan documentary about her work as a “love advisor.” She is passionate about helping women live authentically – in life and in love.
Between 2007-2009, Andrea Syrtash was a Google “hot trend,” ranking in the top 100 things Googled on particular days. Andrea lives with her (non-type) husband in New York City. For more information, please visit www.andreasyrtash.com. Follow her on Twitter at @andreasyrtash.
