Relationship Expert Dr. Paul Coleman Offers Advice To A Couple Who Criticize Each Other Too Much And Find No Comfort In One Another
Learn how increasing positive interactions and reducing negative ones can improve a marriage!
Relationship expert Dr. Paul Coleman, author of "The 30 Secrets of Happily Married Couples" has advice for a couple whose overall intimacy is lower than it should be and whose communication is interfered with by criticism.
Dear Dr. Coleman:
My husband and I don't seem to provide much comfort or support for one
another. We find it hard to work together on any goal. He is always
referring to my failures of the past, and he frustrates me so much with
his criticism. How do we move past this? Thank you.
Dear Reader,
The first question you each must answer is "How much do I wish to make improvements?" Since you wrote in I presume that your desire to see your relationship succeed is at least somewhat strong.
Your description of your relationship shows that overall intimacy is lower than it should be: communication is interfered with by criticism, togetherness is interfered with by inability to work on shared goals, and diminished comfort for one another suggests a low level of physical affection.
It sounds like your husband resents your "failures of the past." If he is by nature someone who easily finds fault, it will take more work on his part to overcome that trait.
If he is by nature someone who is capable of giving a partner the benefit of the doubt then it appears he has some deeper resentments--hurts gainst him committed by you (and possibly others from his past)that he cannot easily get past.
Every negative interaction you two have will cost you at least five positive interactions. That means you must have five positive interactions to pay for every negative one--if you wish to "break even."
Successful couples have a slightly higher positive-to-negative ratio--closer to ten-to one. Therefore, the first thing that must happen is to dramatically reduce negative interactions--and your husband must be willing to do this. He doesn't have to "feel" loving and close just yet, but he must act more respectfully and thoughtfully.
Second, I get the sense that neither of you feels very understood by the other. He resents your past mistakes, and you are frustrated by his continued resentment. I imagine your conversations about that go nowhere fast--each of you trying to dismiss the other's concerns or talk the other out of thinking the way they do. Your best bet is to listen well enough to one another until you can have a sense of empathy and communicate that empathic understanding.
For example, I imagine you would feel understood if your husband were able to sincerely say "I know it must hurt you when I am always finding fault and unable to get over what has happened in our past."
Next, each of you must increase the positives. Every day you each should be doing things that you know will make the other's day go easier or make them feel more special.
These are just the beginning steps. But if you reduce the negatives, increase the positives, and listen well enough to truly understand and care about each other's pain, you will gain momentum.
Best Wishes,
Dr. Paul Coleman
To order "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy" click here.
To order "The 30 Secrets of Happily Married Couples" click here.
About the Author: Paul Coleman, Psy.D, is a psychologist and author of twelve books and a relationship therapist who has appeared on shows such as Oprah and Today. He is the author of "How to Say it to Your Kids!" "The 30 Secrets of Happily Married Couples", and “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Intimacy."
Visit Dr. Coleman at his website: www.paul-coleman.com.
To order ” You can order his books on his website www.bestintimacy.com
